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just when the catepillar thought the world was over...he became a butterfly

Oct. 11th, 2007 12:50 am Stepmom makes me cry from beginning to end...everytime

there are things i can not begin to describe into words...life changing weeks...close to death scares...petty high school but really in college drama...finally reaching a child who is being beaten by life and doesn't quite realize it...having a child wrap his finger around your pinky, lay his head on your shoulder, and look into your eyes with a sense of wanting...holding the one you love while they sleep after a long day of work you will never understand only to have to say goodbye to them as they drive away to their own place for the night...thinking about religion, God, the saints, Mary, and all the mixed emotions accompanying them...thanking God for the little blessings in life and for the first time actually understanding and believing the thanks...knowing there is nothing to do but pray when situations are out of hand...fearing that another baby will become an angel before seeing the nursery they so lovingly created...knowing there is a pain deeper then i have ever felt and wishing there was a way to remove it...wanting to jump into the words on a family tree and actually meet the faces and memories behind the name...yearning to understand yet knowing i can never...fearing failure...fearing the end...life changing...im scared and just want to be held right now...i want to stop crying...i need to get more candles and a lighter...i really love sitting in candlelight...it relaxes me...i want to start forever...im scared...

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Sep. 27th, 2007 08:25 am

i don't know why my thoughts have been so haunting lately...im scared eric is going to completely break...im scrared that i am going to totally disconnect with everyone i care about without even meaning to...im scared i will fail out of jcu and never graduate...then what? im scared about where i am going to live next year...im scared that i know whats really going to happen and i will be greatly disappointed...im sacred that i will just fuck up everything again like i have proven myself to be so good at so many times before...dag nabit

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Sep. 10th, 2007 01:19 pm

usually i just go onto postsecret, read through the cards and just kinda pass by each one, not really giving them much thought. today was very different. one secret made me stop and shook me up quite a bit. at one point i had seen a card on there that had quite the different message but why did this one have to be so negative? love is love people...there is why about it. sheesh

p.s.~kidney infections really do a great job of interupting your life

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Sep. 6th, 2007 07:06 pm

my back hurts so unbelievably much...i feel so overwhelmed at this moment...more then anything i want to stay with you in the hotel, not my family...i will try my hardest to convince them otherwise...i hate that i am supposed to say how high whenever im asked to jump but the minute i ask someone to wiggle their toes it is forgotten about...i just dont understand anything at this moment and feel like i am about to explode...my freakin computer hates me but only cause i dont know how to take care of it...i guess i really am my mothers daughter...fuck

Current Mood: discontentdiscontent

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Aug. 14th, 2007 02:39 am

i am a horrible person when it comes to trying to keep a friendship when there is distance between myself and another person...baptist church is so different then catholic church, yet it is the same God...temptation is ugly...there is one person that i am meant to spend the rest of my life with and i am lucky enough to call him my love...i need to put more effort into life...i miss old friends...jess, eric, kelynne, claire, erin, amanda...what is kinda funny is that some friendships just end without any pain or sorrow and it is alright...i have a very strong feeling that i may become baptist and it kinda scares me...im in love

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Jul. 29th, 2007 06:21 pm

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me

I’m more than a bird...i’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

i want to get out of toledo...i want to talk to eric again...i want to be with alison and erin wearing big sunglasses at night and driving no where...i want to order chinese food in the hallway with the girls in my dorm...i want to watch donnie darko while pretending to study for finals and not getting a minute of sleep all night...i miss old memories but love new ones...i really just miss alison right now...i can't really explain it

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Jun. 21st, 2007 10:38 pm

to stay and wonder what if or leave and not feel miserable most of the time...i need some advice...

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Jun. 21st, 2007 01:36 am

i feel like shit...my head has not stopped hurting since last night...my tongue is cut...my back still hurts something fierce...and my neck kills when i turn my head to the left...i would do about anything for an amazing massage right about now...

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Jun. 10th, 2007 09:47 pm

i am in love with a black man...get over it...do you not see what you do when you are so cruel about it and then sit back as i watch the family celebrate his birthday after only 9 months together...they have a fucking dog and he was there when she left...why the hell can he not be there to just meet everyone? do you not see what you do to me...you are destroying me...thank you for destroying your own daughter...and you wonder why i am so angry, so full of rage and emotion...you wonder why i snap? open your eyes...he is my world...my entire world...get over it...its not changing

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Jun. 6th, 2007 01:12 pm

nothing but a selfish, lazy bitch

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