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hollow - just when the catepillar thought the world was over...he became a butterfly

Nov. 11th, 2009 11:16 am hollow

I feel a miz of intense anger, frustration, sadness, and hurt...do you realize that part of the reason Chris walked away is because I chose you? I am not saying this to hurt you but to make you see why I can't just not have you in my life. I chose your friendship and love over fighting for whatever was left in my relationship. I am not complaining but rather telling you that this is the reason I need us to work. I chose you for a reason. I am begging you, don't give up. There is still so much left inside of you. I know you would not let me just crawl away and die, you would never abandon me. STOP TELLING ME TO LEAVE YOU. I know that if you just fight, a tiny tiny bit, we can work through this together. Did it not bring you any happiness to see me when we skyped? Do you not feel anything when you hear my voice? Do you not want to be with me? If you want to be with me then help me fight damnit. Eric, I am getting so frustrated because the farther and farther you, we drift away, the more I think about what I once had, how badly I have messed everything in my life up, how irreversable the damaga is that I have caused. With you I felt like maybe there was a reason I messed up so badly. Now I just feel like a complete and utter failure. You say you keep failing me, YES YOU DO. You fail me by not giving a damn anymore, by just giving up entirely and letting your depression thoughts take over. Well damnit, if I can't lay in my bed feeling sorry for myself then you aren't allowed either. Fuck the feelings of worthlessness and weakness...you don't think I feel them too? Well, I do...DON"T FUCKING LEAVE ME. You said you weren't going to do the same thing Chris did, well, congratulations, you are. He walked away completely in a different way but you are now leaving me alone and destroying my hope that you fought so hard to give me. I just don't get it. I have barely heard the Eric I was just getting to know since you got home from visiting me. Baby, please, I am begging you...fight...please...I am too scared to be alone

Current Mood: sadsad

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