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just when the catepillar thought the world was over...he became a butterfly

Dec. 3rd, 2009 01:04 am interesting

2006-09-02 09:57 am UTC (link) Select
Hey, I am sorry I have been... well, distant but I have been really distracted and such with work and all that is going on with my life and it is hard to think about how much I miss you and easier to think about how much my life is pissing me off. I hope you can forgive me for being stupid. You really do mean the world to me and I... well, Marissa, I miss you and as selfish and arrogant as I like to be I miss you and I need you in my life. Even if it doesn't seem like it I miss you and I hope you are doing well. You still are a major part of my life. I hope you are doing well. Hopefully I will talk to you soon. Your devoted friend,


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Dec. 2nd, 2009 11:57 pm scared

so i have been getting contractions all day that started out lightly but have been getting progressively worse. I am extremely scared. My hope is that I can sleep them off and maybe relax enough to not go into labor. How am I even supposed to know what it feels like? And to know that my phone is shut off and I can't even call you when if it were to happen frightens me even more. My mind is spinning with a thousand different thoughts and fears and excitements and memories and I don't even know where to begin to sort them out. I just want to meet little one at this point. I feel like crying and laughing, crawling into a ball and dancing all at the same time. My family put up a "when do you think scooby is coming" sign with a spot for everyone to make a guess and put if they think its a boy or girl born in the morning or night of what day. Whenever you are ready to talk, please call me...I miss hearing your voice. I hate feeling so distant from you, like the last thing on earth you want to do is have to talk to me.

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Nov. 11th, 2009 11:16 am hollow

I feel a miz of intense anger, frustration, sadness, and hurt...do you realize that part of the reason Chris walked away is because I chose you? I am not saying this to hurt you but to make you see why I can't just not have you in my life. I chose your friendship and love over fighting for whatever was left in my relationship. I am not complaining but rather telling you that this is the reason I need us to work. I chose you for a reason. I am begging you, don't give up. There is still so much left inside of you. I know you would not let me just crawl away and die, you would never abandon me. STOP TELLING ME TO LEAVE YOU. I know that if you just fight, a tiny tiny bit, we can work through this together. Did it not bring you any happiness to see me when we skyped? Do you not feel anything when you hear my voice? Do you not want to be with me? If you want to be with me then help me fight damnit. Eric, I am getting so frustrated because the farther and farther you, we drift away, the more I think about what I once had, how badly I have messed everything in my life up, how irreversable the damaga is that I have caused. With you I felt like maybe there was a reason I messed up so badly. Now I just feel like a complete and utter failure. You say you keep failing me, YES YOU DO. You fail me by not giving a damn anymore, by just giving up entirely and letting your depression thoughts take over. Well damnit, if I can't lay in my bed feeling sorry for myself then you aren't allowed either. Fuck the feelings of worthlessness and weakness...you don't think I feel them too? Well, I do...DON"T FUCKING LEAVE ME. You said you weren't going to do the same thing Chris did, well, congratulations, you are. He walked away completely in a different way but you are now leaving me alone and destroying my hope that you fought so hard to give me. I just don't get it. I have barely heard the Eric I was just getting to know since you got home from visiting me. Baby, please, I am begging you...fight...please...I am too scared to be alone

Current Mood: sadsad

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Nov. 2nd, 2009 08:50 pm Begging you to understand

I am not going to walk away. I do not need you to be something you can't be right now. I just need you to be you. I need you to need me. Do you not remember when I said that it hurt so badly that I couldn't be a support for Chris, my other friends? Do you not realize that for me to be able to help you gives me a sense of worth? I don't need you to be strong for me right now. Honest I don't. I need you to just focus on Eric, to realize that you are not a complete failure. If you were a failure I would not be alive today. Bottom line. I want to just shake you and make you see that what is making me so miserable right now is this feeling of distance, feeling like emotionally you are more distant then even physically. Let me help you. I want to be a part of your life. Stop pushing me away. You said you aren't but it's all I feel. I didn't contact you today because I wanted to give you distance. I just want to say I love you over and over to you and yet I don't think you want me to. You need to see that you are deserving of my friendship and love, deserving of loving me and caring about me. Your my boyfriend silly, and I want to hear your smile again, hear some sort of joy, happiness, emotion in your voice and I won't quit until I do. This stubborn girlfriend of yours isn't going anywhere :) I love you.

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Oct. 9th, 2009 11:57 am absolutely amazing

9 years ago my friend went to Arizona to spend time with her cousin. In the process she met his friends and came back to ohio with boys for us girls to chat with online. I started becoming good friends with one of these boys, all through i.m. chats. Fast forward a few years, he is off to the marine corps and being deployed. I tell everyone how proud I am of my hot marine friend from Arizona, someone who is one of the best friends I have ever had. Fast forward to his hardest 2 years. Fast forward to my parents and family life falling apart. Fast forward to my life spiraling so far out of control I fall fast. Fast forward to this best friend from Arizona picking me up and not letting me quit. Fast forward to my 4 year relationship. Fast forward to this 4 year relationship ending when it is discovered I am pregnant. Fast forward to my first meeting with my friend from Arizona. 2nd meeting. There is no denying I have fallen in love with my best friend. Just when both our lives started falling completely apart, starting becoming almost unbearable, we once again discovered our friendship in it's fullest...strong, understanding, completely un-judging. Stronger then ever and different then anything else in this world.

Current Mood: indescribableindescribable

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Feb. 12th, 2008 01:34 am

i need some major help...i am a train wreck...i want to get married...im scared to grow up...help

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Dec. 13th, 2007 12:29 am

it is frustrating...you know that you will fall asleep if you lay down after work...just call me before you lay down and tell me you are...its not that hard...i just want to talk to you before you go to sleep...it has happened so so so so so many times before...*sigh*...i am in such a bad mood...sometimes i think about what life would be like without you in it and it makes me wonder...would things be easier? would i be a better person with more friends? would i be a better marissa rather then a great pidge?


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Nov. 13th, 2007 02:06 am fear

it could absolutely destroy my life yet it is the one thing i want more then anything else...i am scared...petrified is more like it

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Oct. 23rd, 2007 12:37 am

i feel like i am going to throw up...i had an intense want for someone to shoot me in the back on my way home from dance tonight...i cant handle life...i really cant...you dont understand...no one can...i dont want to fucking hate everything about my life...but i do...i do...i dont want to live...i hate this feeling...i want to not feel like this anymore...why doesnt it just stay away?...why can this feeling not leave me forever and stop reoccuring so often...i hate it...but i hate myself more...i hate myself...i hate myself...i hate myself...i cant handle stress...i cant handle life...save me...please save me

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Oct. 17th, 2007 12:16 am

"Breathe" (Waters, Gilmour, Wright)

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.

Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.

Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.

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